Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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