I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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