on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
