I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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