I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
