She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
