I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
