I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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