My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
