Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
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