Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
