there's paper in my vomit.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Randomize
