You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize