after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
