Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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