I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
