Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
