I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Randomize
