I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
pray to the hookup gods
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
