i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
