I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I have tasted many bathrooms
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
