I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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