when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
