oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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