how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
