Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
