I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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