I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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