I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
