I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
