Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
