Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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