I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
