Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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