we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
