Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
