he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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