The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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