Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I look better un-naked...
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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