And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
