the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
