Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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