The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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