What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Randomize
