i don't plan on having that self control this summer
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
