i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Small penises have feelings too.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
