Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
