i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
