I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
