I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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