Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
