I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
