I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize