Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
dude i'm inner monologue high
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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