My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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