cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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