The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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