my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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