I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
FUCK WHALES
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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