K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
