FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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