he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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