i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
