My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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